Thoughts...

Need to get what's in my head out....
~~~~~
12.23.07
Dear Miranda Rae,
As I sit here tonight on our lanai looking out at the beautiful night sky, I can't stop thinking of you. You - a person I have never met. A person who may not even be born. But yet, my mind can't clear the vision of you. I'm thinking about last Christmas time when thoughts and talk of you were so joyous. We talked about how next Christmas we would hopefully know who you were and be very close to bringing you home. We are not. Last Christmas all the gifts Dad and I exchanged were about you or China. This will not happen this year. I find that we are rarely using your name or talking directly about you - that makes me sad. Joseph uses your name all the time in conversation and Dad and I now feel a pain in our hearts when he does. Our talks this Christmas are about reality. With what is happening in China with adoption right now, may make it impossible for us to ever meet you. This is reality - hard to take but it is reality. We told Joseph this weekend that it is not a guarantee that he will have a little sister. The look on his face was saddness. I can't have him going on each day believing that he is without a doubt going to - that just wouldn't be fair. As much as I feel doubtful that this letter will ever be read by the daughter we are praying for - I still have this hope that one day a beautiful girl will read this and say "Mom, you were crazy, here I am." Oh, Miranda how I pray and pray that this will be read by you one day. We are not giving up - we won't. I'm just scared that if the wait continues to increase, so much can change and anything can happen. I hope that as we enter 2008, things will change and we will be able to see a light at the end of this dark road. Til then, our love continues to grow, even if we are now guarding our hearts.
Til we meet.... xoxo